If Only I Can Sing

 “Why do I write?” All my life I have needed to say something, many things I'm sure most folks would say. When I struggle to say these things it often sounds … somehow stilted.

Yet there are frequent times when my heart makes it to my brain and I “see” something. The words flow, my heart usually races and I am left with a thing that speaks from my inner self.

I have taken classes where we will read our stuff to a small group. My voice waivers and cracks. My heart will pulse in my ears until I am finished and sit rather stunned, lacking words to speak. That’s when I know God has “spoken” to me.

You see that’s the whole point. Some might say I am a simple, deeply flawed searcher. I began to write in young adulthood because I needed to. I stopped for a long time. Now I know I stopped writing because I stopped listening.

I stopped listening to God. Sometimes I stop listening now. Then the words will dry up and I will become angry. I have learned that I am angry with me but it wants to look like I am angry at the world around me.

Long ago I took a path that was wrought with violence and desolation. It laid me low until I asked for help. That help was given freely and I began a little at a time to listen again. Now that is where I begin.

Each day I seek from the core of my being to listen. I am not an educated man but what I am is a believer that came to it by trial and failure and yes … humiliation. I know the sound of rats scratching under the bed. I have seen through the picture window from outside on a cold winter night as a family broke bread, fire in the hearth, while I trod dejected … to nowhere.

I have seen war and known hunger. I have stared at my mortality and welcomed the end of it all. I know abuse and psychological torment, hate, prejudice, rage ... and disgust.

Yet I also know the unconditional love of other souls who are listeners. They saved me and inspire me to tell the story however I can. So I tell it with wavering voice and vivid memories. I sing a song of brokenness that I pray can help heal others … if only I can reach the notes He has given me.